September 26th, 2012
My writing has started to become more and more scarce these days. But, today when I was speaking to my brother – I asked him why he didn’t start writing. I think his life, and that of our family is absolutely book worthy. What I realized while telling him that, was that I miss writing, myself. Writing has always been my outlet. I have diaries from grade 7 to prove it, ha!
I have been going through a bit of an internal struggle lately. Some of you reading this will just read like a broken record because I have been having trouble with this decision for a long, lonnng time now. When I moved to Australia, I made a pact with myself that I was staying for only a short time. I wouldn’t make too much of an effort to make lifelong friends, just “travel buddies”. I told myself not to build any strong relationships, get in too deep with a job, but to just enjoy my day to day “holiday” for the year. But …. Of course, once again, I refuse to follow even my own rules. I have built a life here in Melbourne. A Monday-Sunday, real life. Sometimes I wonder if it is even a real life? … This city, country, and the people only know a year of me. Back home, there are 21 whole years of history, relationships, family, friends. But my life here is real, almost too good to be true. I spent a few solids months missing home, and putting up with Melbourne “winter” (which was really quite cold to be honest). Since then though, I have made some really great friends and met some remarkable people. I have gone through a lot of tough times here, opened myself up, and allowed people in. I have only four weeks left here until I am supposed to be on a plane to Southeast Asia. I should’ve booked my flight months ago, but I have been putting it off. Each day, I see “LOOK UP FLIGHTS” on my to-do list, and each day I just stare at the writing and decide to figure it out some other time. Now, its crunch time. I have less than 30 days in my new life, my little dream world. Its scary. Its sad. But, I guess it is life. I think leaving here will only make me a stronger person, encourage me to face another fear; the fear of leaving people behind, saying goodbye. Life is hard, but life is wonderfully hard. I wouldn’t be so sad leaving if I didn’t truly have the time of my life out here in my little imaginary world. It so mind boggling that I can never unite my life at home and my life in Australia. Most of the people here I have met and become close with are not all Australian, so even if I came back one day, I bet half of them would be gone too. Sometimes it is crazy to sit here in my apartment and feel so content being halfway across the world from “home”. Just recently Melbourne has felt like home. I feel comfortable here. Such a strange feeling from a few months ago.
I’m starting to just face the facts. Face the truth. I am leaving this country in 4 weeks for a long time. I may be back one day, but I may not. I need to move on from being sad about it and start becoming excited about spending 8 weeks in Asia. My Asia trip was the most exciting part of my entire journey when I left Canada a year ago. I couldn’t wait to get 8 weeks in Asia, relaxing on a beach, doing yoga and swimming in the ocean. But now, the thought of going makes me so upset that Asia doesn’t seem so exciting anymore. It makes me anxious a little. To be honest, I start to sweat just thinking about leaving here. It’s hard. But who said life was easy, anyway? Nobody. I am really trying to focus on walking off the plane on Decemeber 18th in Toronto. I picture my family there with signs (you all better be there with signs and flowers and hugs and kisses), and I HOPE and pray that at that point I feel a little more comfort in my decision to leave Australia. Overall, my time here has really been some of the best times of my life. I would not change anything throughout my journey so far. Do I regret not being there for my family at points in the last few months, yes. Do I feel anxious about leaving Australia and embarking a whole new adventure, yes. Am I afraid that I will never see most of the people here again, yes. BUT … I always preach life is what we make it. If I want to come back, I can make it happen. I need to experience, I need to grow. My journey here is a part of the process. Right now is nowhere near the end of my journey.
The light at the end of the tunnel for me, is the fact I will come home at Christmas. The best time of year. I will be able to hold my family and really tell them how much I value and have missed them. I will be able to sit with my grandmother and be there for her… I will get up to shenanigans with my cousins, and invade everyone’s space I’m sure. I am looking forward to reuniting with my bests, laughing with them until my insides hurt. Having fp times with Nicole, drinking too much wine, cuddling with Britt… mm. All of the things I haven’t had for a year. I can have a “girls and gays” night in Toronto in my new house. Pez will be my roommate! I can cuddle my little baby, Charles Morgan and remind him who his momma is. Oh, Christmas. I can’t wait to give everyone all of the presents from Asia and my travels. Go to a Red wings game with my Papa, and a Detroit Lions game with Joey (I better be coming this year!). It’s the little things and the extraordinary people that I miss the most. I’m sure it will be the little things and the extraordinary people that I miss the most about Australia too. What I’ve also come to realize is that it’s okay to miss things. It just means that the things you miss have made a significant impact on your life. Even if not your day to day life, missing something or someone acknowledges that they had a positive effect on you, made you happy, even just for a second. I’ve also had someone recently tell me that I am too happy. That was really the first time anyone has ever said “too happy” with a negative connotation. I think I am yes, young and naïve. But you’re only young and naïve once, so I may as well be the happiest I can while I am here. I hope all of you are doing the same, waking up every morning and choosing to be happy. Sometimes life gets rough and we have to make hard decisions, go through some really hard times. But life could always be worse. It could always be harder. If you are reading this, you should know that through those hard times at least you have me to support you. And I have you. We all have each other. Life would be miserable with no one to love or care about. Thank you for allowing your eyes and ears to be my outlet. My macbook sure as hell gets a lot of heat from my fingertips on days like this. I don’t know if I would be so happy or so peaceful without a proper outlet. And thank you, to those of you who allow me to vent constantly, complain, and repeat myself a dozen times. I really do appreciate you. I’m sure just reading my blogs sometimes is exhausting. But my only hope is for whomever reading this can take even just a bit of my words with them. I hope to maybe even inspire one or two people. Whether it’s to travel, smile a little bigger, love a little more, appreciate the little things. Life is too short to spend it in a tiny box. Go find your own imaginary world. Get out there… listen to plenty of music and see plenty of movies, too. OH, listen to “Hello, I’m In Delaware” by City and Colour., and maybe the whole Dallas Green collection. Those are always good.
‘Till Next Time…